A few minutes ago in a galaxy close, close nearby…
The adventures of Ninja Gnat continues.
“What?” you ask. “What is this Ninja Gnat you speak of?”
(Cue dramatic music for effect. Which effect I’ve no idea, but people are reading so cue it please. )
Here’s the 411.
It all began many years ago in the Midwest, when an otherwise normal looking gnat was found in our humble Ohio abode. Thinking he was a box kicker gnat, I smacked him and thought that was the end of it. I should be so lucky. It turns out this was no ordinary gnat. They say cats have nine lives? If that’s true, this gnat has 9,000. He’s come to be known as: (Is the dramatic music cued?)
He’s the Army Ranger of gnats.
In revenge of my attempt at smackage, Ninja Gnat began stalking my then thirteen-year-old son.
It followed him to school one day, which was against the rules. The drama-trauma of that event had caused us both to block it out of our otherwise normal minds. Until this year.
Yes, children it was one fateful day in late September of aught ‘18 when my son, the former Army Ranger (whom I’ll simply call Ranger in order to protect his identity) and I experienced a new encounter with the gnat from he’ll.
The time had come for us to talk it over and one day, when he happened to be at my house, we did.
Me: There's a flipping gnat that's been in the house all week! Every time I try to kill it, it disappears.
Mike: Yeah, that's my gnat. (Oops. I guess the cat’s outta the bag on concealing Ranger’s identity)
Mike: It's been haunting me since middle school. I think it found me when we lived in Ohio and it's pretty much been stalking me ever since. I tried to beat feet and escape his wrath but it followed me to boot camp and overseas. When I returned to the USA, I got off the plane and there he was to greet me. No, not my Grunt brother. The gnat.
Me: Kill it!
Mike: Impossible. Believe me, I've tried. It's useless. He'll outsmart your every move.
Me: A ninja gnat?
Mike: I'm afraid so.
Me: Well, darn.
Mike: *In the most somber tone ever* I know, Mom. I know. (Dun dun duuuuuun!)
Welp, over a month had passed by and pretty soon we thought maybe we’d seen the last of Ninja Gnat. Until this morning while drinking my Black Rifle coffee. There he was, in the cup sipping it like he owned a franchise. Now, I’m tryin’ not to get wrapped around the axle but this gnat had it comin’ and I don’t mean a day at the spa. I tried to kill it, but the sally flew out of the cup and up my nose. I lost my coffee and a good deal of snot. I’m not sure he’s even been blown out. No telling what this gnat will do up there.
”Gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!” I screamed in fury as I opened a package of bug juice.
I’ve made it my mission to destroy Ninja Gnat. If it’s the last thing I do.
Meanwhile, I’m off to purchase stock in Raid and Kleenex.
(No xoxo this time. I can’t appear soft. Ninja Gnat may be watching.)