There are days (Like today) when I don't want to fight anymore. Yes, they happen. I feel anything but strong today.
I'm beyond exhausted, just so tired of it all. I experience moments when I feel I may lose it if I see so much as one more shot, pill, or MRI machine. I'm not saying I'm a hero by any means, but even prize champions can get wounded in a fight. Even special forces teams have to rest once in a while. It's part of the job.
I didn't sign up for this. I was drafted against my will for this war. I went to boot camp dragging my heels and inwardly griping the entire time.
One day, thirteen years ago, a very wise Lyme specialist said to me, "Lisa, when Lyme has gone this long without treatment and gotten this much of an advance against you, it's next to impossible to beat. We have an arsenal of antibiotics against this beast, but you're going to have to be diligent. You've never seen a war like this one. You're going to have to buckle down and fight like your life depends on it. Because, it does. And you do not have the luxury of forgetting that fact. I want you to remember, daily, why you fight. Why do you fight, Lisa? That question may very well keep you alive."
I fight Lyme for moments like:
Holding my grandchildren for the first time and watching them all grow.
Being bundled beneath the covers while watching snow fall outside the loft window.
Laughing so hard with my best friends that my sides hurt.
Hearing the same jokes over and over again but you laugh anyway.
Slow dancing in the kitchen.
Harley Davidson motorcycles. ( I do not own one but, I mean, come on!)
Being there when my sons returned from war.
Sister trips to the coast.
My Aunt Jean's fried chicken, which I swear could bring world peace.
Making lasagna dinner for my besties.
The possibility of swimming with dolphins, seeing Paris and touching the Western Wall in Israel.
Crème Brulee. (If it's made right it's worth fighting for, y'all.)
I love what the character Rocky says to his son in the movie Rocky Balboa:
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life.”
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa
Truth is, there are a googolplex of reasons why I fight. Life is worth it, and there's so much I don't want to miss out on. I want to live to see my grandkids get married and hold their children. I want to live to help other people who have Lyme and to someday see a cure.
I want to live, for living's sake!
So, even when my body is battered and the pain is indescribable. When it feels as though I am absolutely losing and will not survive the week. When discouragement sneers at me. Even when hope is all but gone and I just want to go, I'll hold on, and I'll fight Lyme for moments like these; when I get to tell you...I love you.